Shine Buffer
When Good Intentions Go Bad
Over the last ten or so years men have evolved quite a bit when it comes to the process of gift giving. Gone are the days of wrapping a ribbon around a new washing machine or vacuum cleaner. This is the decade of diamonds and silk.
Certainly there are still those who will mask their own desires into a nice big bow-laden big screen TV for her but that is certainly progress from kitchen kitsch, don't you think? We can be a little forgiving here, can't we ladies?
Trust me, sometimes- the big screen TV is a much desired alternative to some of the things I have witnessed. Take the case of my own parents. Now, not to give my pops too much heat here, as he has been quite the jewelry jedi over the last few years, but what I witnessed over the Christmas holiday shows that even the best intentions can wind you up in the dog house if you aren't careful.
My father braves the chaotic crowds at the local malls every Christmas season to find my mother the perfect piece of jewelry to add to her collection. During his last journey through mall madness he fell victim to the predatory center aisle kiosk clerks when he made the biggest mistake known to shop-a-holics world wide. He made eye contact.
Ladies we all know there are two people you do NOT make eye contact with at the mall. The center kiosk clerks and the survey takers. I know I have probably offended someone here, and that isnt my intention. Everyone has to get paid, I understand that. But if you fit into one of those two categories you most certainly have felt the pain of diverted looks and fake phone calls as you desperately try to hunt your next victi.. uh.. client. Folks, I work in sales... I have the right to jest here. I digress.
Once eye contact was made, it was all over. "Please sir, try our lotion?" as she holds out the little packet just about to launch a glob of whatever it is she is selling onto his hand. My father is never one to be rude to a pretty lady, feeling rather trapped in the situation obliged her and gave her what was supposed to be just a second of his time. Now I wasn't there to witness the story myself, but after hearing the events unfold in my fathers story I felt it just had to be shared. At some point in the sampling process, the sales woman was able to put the creme on my fathers face, around his eye and apparently either she or one of her counterparts buffed out one of his fingernails with their little nail shine buffer gimmick.
When she completed one eye, and the fingernail.. he was taken. hook-line and sinker. She asked "What do you think?" His response... "I think you need to do the other eye" So apparently the product was good. Really good. Good enough that my father felt it necessary to buy it for Mom. This is where an already sad story becomes tragic.
Look guys... we understand that your intentions can be totally pure and you think "wow, shes always talking about how she hates the lines around her eyes, and this stuff REALLY WORKS!! She would LOVE this!!" and while you might be right, and the product may be fabulous- the only thing she is going to read into it is "Oh my god he thinks I look old" and if she is REALLY paranoid it might translate to "He is going to leave me for a younger woman!" and you just might find your chicken salad sandwich an odd hue of green with a scent that reminds you of a recent mall visit. Leave the beauty products to her. Let her discover the fountain of youth, or grow old naturally. But steer clear of these types of gifts.
Luckily my parents have been married for coming up on 43 years and an occasional absent minded gift with good intentions can be forgiven. Don't count on this being the norm. This is definitely the exception to the rule.
About the Author
Shannon Sullivan is the Queen of Editorials at a quirky free datingwebsite called Driver is Single. Her creative writing style offers humorous and compassionate outbursts about the daily minutiae which being us together.
How to Polish a Car with a Buffer
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